Cruss you CFS x.-

Was doing well for a while and getting better but last night was panting and breathless after just walking up or down a flight of stairs, and got a bit dizzy and had to sit down and catch my breath.

I also have a kidney/bladder infection going on, and that plus my usual CFS/ME/SEID, and my doing the bedding laundry (had to get mom's help for that because the stairs were threatening to make me faint eventually from breathlessness and lightheadedness), as well as emotional turmoil by someone who said they wanted/needed MY help and "Healing" to help with their anger at themselves and all, thanks to the situation that I'm in that's effecting them, yeaaaaah I was getting this close to having enough. Ugh why do people always ask for my help when I'm in the middle of, or heading towards, an energy crash?

I didn't get to a full one last night but, I was in that OH so WONDERFUL (heavy sarcasm btw) stage on the way towards a full crash, the one I dub the "confusion stage." Basically where I'm restless mentally but can't settle on anything to think about, confused and not knowing what's happening, only that something "wrong" is happening and I don't know why, whirling emotions and mind, tendency to panic or fear more easily at that stage because I don't know what's going on, and having hard time remembering things let alone keeping things straight in my head (so planning, making decisions, even thinking about future or past outside of this moment, those abilities are ZILCH and I can't use them).

I know from going through other crashes that this is the moment where I need to rest the most, and focus on resting, to not aggravate things to get even WORSE. Yet when I'm IN that moment, I don't know what's going on or why, only that it's "wrong" and I can't do anything about it, and try to scramble for things to make me feel better and accidentally do things that make me end up WORSE because I don't have that access to memories to tell me otherwise. Later on when I'm more clearheaded (after the crash is either aborted or run its course), I can easily point to what are the causes, why, and what stage I was in, on the path towards an energy crash. Unfortunately when I'm in THAT stage, the confusion one, that ability is zero, zip, zilch, and I'm more like an animal wondering why I'm in pain, why I'm hurting, and knowing only that I'm tired, hurting and that it's somehow "wrong" and why am I this way?

So.... MUCH fun last night. Not. x.- At least sleep helped me to get out of that stage and concerned and kind friends and my boyfriend talked me out of whatever bravado moments I was falling into during it, and insisted on me lying down and resting and sleeping so I didn't hurt myself more in that confusion stage. I'll have to deal with that request for help and healing another time though. *sighs* DID make a promise to deal with it today but I can't since I need to build up my energy again, not throw some away to someone else and make MY recovery time THAT much longer. *grimaces at the thought*

"The Sick Are Not Allowed To Heal Others," is the "first rule" of being a Healer in my world of Ahn Ne'A. Note that it doesn't say the sick "can't" or "are not able" to heal others. They still can unless its really bad. The saying says "not ALLOWED" for a reason, because doing so will set the sick person back and prolong their recovery and basically do the opposite of good for them.

Anyways sorry for the rant. -p- Needed to get it off my chest. I'll not be talking that much today and for at least another day since last week was hell on my energy reserves (sooooo much I did and had to do, stress and anxiety, and soooooo little time to rest and recharge and get a breather at all) and I'm dealing with a kidney/bladder infection on top of my usual fatigue which is just SOOOOOO MUCH FUN. NOT.

Hope you guys are doing MUCH better than me!